Danger Dance

Perhaps you’ve noticed that over the last several weeks it has been unnecessarily difficult to sign on to Xbox Live. It seems the rash of new users over the holidays brought the system to its knees, quicker than a whore with arthritis. Microsoft was completely caught off guard by the fact that people not only bought 360s for Christmas, but then wanted to actually use them. The Xbox Live General Manager stated, “We are disappointed in our performance,” which is exactly the kind of thing a whore with arthritis might say to herself/himself after a disappointing performance.

Even so, this really isn’t acceptable. Mussolini ran a murderous, fascist state and kept the trains running on time, so I’m pretty sure Microsoft should be able to handle this. I mean, running a oppressive, fascist state is pretty much the same as running a large corporation, except a corporation is one million times easier. Microsoft doesn’t have to worry about where to put the bodies, for example.

However, Microsoft has attempted to atone for its incompetence by bribing Xbox Live subscribers with a free Xbox Live Arcade game. I’m inclined to accept their token of penance, since it’s a lot more than I’ve ever gotten from Mussolini. Nothing is free in a fascist state, except maybe death, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want any of that.

[via Gamasutra]

It is the opinion of many out there in the Wii gaming world that there is a bit of a release drought. Some may contend that quality over quantity should be something to be respected, but those people clearly don’t work for Destineer, nor are they the CEO of said company, Paul Rinde.

Not only did Destineer decide to fill the gap between releases, Destineer decided to do it on one week. Classic British Motor Racing, Kidz Sports: Basketball, Monster Trux Offroad, Myth Makers: Orbs of Doom, Rig Racer 2, and Kawasaki Quad Bikes, all rang in the new year this week, landing in your bargain bins across the country with a resounding “plop”.

According to Paul Rinde, “We were looking for more casual games, trying to get into the pick-up and play features of the Wii, more family-fun, family friendly and that type of thing.” What a novel approach, Mr. Rinde, seeing as how that’s exactly what the Wii was frigging designed for. Brilliance, sir.

Further, Destineer didn’t even create these games, they simply stumbled across a company called Data Design Interactive from the UK who had already excreted these titles. I suppose if anyone’s looking for a game to give their retarded step-nephew for post-Christmas or something, go crazy, folks.

Me? I’ll be over here playing Super Mario Galaxy some more.

(Full disclosure: I’ve not actually played any of these games, but may lightning from the ass of Zeus strike me dead if I’m wrong.)

A belated metaphor for the holidays: it is better to give than receive.

There used to be updates around here. For some reason they just stopped. There’s a lot of blame to go around for it. Fortunately, unlike most websites, Danger Dance is about accountability. If someone isn’t doing their job, you, the reader, have the right to know why.

In order to satisfy your urge to point your callused gamer fingers and assign blame, I’ve crafted a speculative list of reasons that the site has not been updated recently. Hopefully, this can be a good guide in helping you determine who should most be punished with a kick in the crotch.

1. Laziness
This is the most likely culprit. A lot of times I would think about updating the site and instead be distracted by a videogame or a shiny object. Or a videogame about shiny objects resting comfortably on a cocaine covered hooker. Honestly, I barely remember the last two weeks. I think the game was about Star Wars. I remember there being some Wookiees.

2. Videogames are Stupid
It would be hard to refute this, even by people who play videogames. Take The Simpson’s Game as an example. It’s been hailed as the best Simpson’s game of them all, which is a lot like being the coolest guy in the leper colony. It’s nice for a little while, but pretty quickly your skin falls off and you die, leaving behind a stinky corpse.

If you had as much trouble following that analogy as I did, it means that The Simpson’s Game is not very good. It’s so aggressively mediocre it hurts. There are probably some die hard Simpson’s fans who will play the game just for the jokes and story, and they probably deserve what they’re going to get; herpes. Yes, The Simpson’s Game will give you herpes. Don’t play it.

(Note to developers: Don’t fill your game with clichés, then “ironically” point them out to us as some sort of hilarious Comic Book Guy joke and give it an associated achievement. As funny as you may think it is, your game is still filled with a ton of clichés, which I then have to slog through. The cut-scenes don’t actually make it any easier, because I could easily just watch an old episode of the Simpson’s and laugh without having to actually put in any effort.)

When I started out this list was going to be a lot longer and was going to assign some blame to terrorists. It wasn’t going to have much to do with the Simpson’s and their crappy games. I guess I’ll just end it here, not out of laziness but because The Simpson’s Game has destroyed my motivation to go on. So, if you really want to kick someone in the crotch for lack of updates, I’d go with the fine folks responsible for The Simpson’s Game.

According to HippocraTech, as reported by Joystiq, a new game called Glucoboy is set to forever change the standards of what the normal gamer expects from their videogame, that is, to ask for blood in order to play it.

The game, compatible with GameBoy Advance and the DS Lite, is intended to make monitoring glucose levels for diabetic children more fun. At Guidence Interactive Healthcare, they’re (according to their website) “dedicated to making healthcare a bit more manageable,” unfortunately, they plan on doing it by making videogames a bit more scary. You horrific bastards.

Why do people do this to children? By incorporating their blood into a creepy video game, they’ve incorporated something that is supposed to be about pure, unmitigated joy and turned it into a retarded plot from some sci-fi epic. What’s next? Drugtestboy and the Amazing Methamphetamines?

Inspiring less trust in videogames is just wrong, consider the number of crappy games a year you play, then consider having to use your blood to play them. Does that added bloody variable make you more or less likely to do something? So, perhaps instead of ruining one of the few, pure joys a kid has why not turn checking their blood into some sort of awesome responsibility? Frankly, I don’t care what you do, just leave the videogames out of this sick, draconian blood letting.

(At the time of publication, not a single screenshot of this creepy game is available, which only deepens our suspicions of this reprehensible title. What are they trying to hide!?)

Speculative artist sketch of Glucoboy gameplay

At some point during a conversation I was having with a thirty-something father of two, this was said:

You know that guy who writes all those games, Tom Clancy? Man! That guy must be rich.

Apparently, the gentleman hadn’t heard that Tom Clancy actually writes novels and did not, in fact, program Splinter Cell. He was so sure of himself, if I hadn’t known any better I might have believed him. Luckily, I’m not a barely functional retard, a fact that has proven to be fairly useful in my day-to-day life. One thing my brain can do that maybe our very own Tard Clancy couldn’t is realize that putting a fork in an electrical socket is not a good idea, at least after the third or fourth time. However, he is a far bigger man than I am, so he could probably handled the voltage surging through his body, where as I would instantaneously disintegrate. His shear size also explains why I’m saying all of this on the Internet and not to his face.

If I said all of this directly to him and he pummeled me with his gargantuan fists, who would be the moron there? You’re probably think that I would be the moron, but I’d have to disagree. After I show up to court with my face looking like an oozing bruised fruit and sue him, forcing his kids into welfare dependency, I think that would officially making him the moron. Again.

I guess, the real losers here are, as usual, the kids. Whatever happens, their dad is still a moron.