Danger Dance

Joystiq ran a series of GTA IV impression posts, where their crew took a captivating look back at their first experiences with the game, from their first in-game car theft to the first time they picked up a digital hooker and beat her to death with a baseball bat. It’s really charming stuff and almost as awesome as playing the game yourself, which you can probably do since nearly everyone already owns it. Inspired, I’ve decided to bring you my own thoughts on the game you’ll play regardless of what I say.

What are my impressions? As I type this with my one good arm, it’s hard to say. I previously mentioned my brilliant and clever plan for getting a hold of GTA IV, entitled “Beat Up A Child and Take Their Copy”. In this sad moment of forced humility, I confess that, while the plan was both brilliant and clever, the execution of said plan was an abject failure. Everything was great when I initially snatched GTA out of a particularly sickly urchin’s hands, but I didn’t account for one thing: the swift blow to my left shoulder at the chubby hands of what appeared to be Martin Lawrence dressed as Big Momma, star of the unfinished thrillogy Big Momma’s House, part one and two. If only I hadn’t picked a child buying GTA IV with his parents or, possibly, Martin Lawrence in a sweaty fat suit.

I honestly didn’t get a look at the woman who brutally attacked me. I was too busy sobbing on the ground to get a good description for the police. I guess I’m just another helpless victim of GTA-inspired violence.

As a result of this criminal act, I can now reach behind my back with my left arm and tap myself on the opposite shoulder. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t do that before, but here I am with a new skill that will help me if I ever join the circus or have to escape from a straitjacket.

I did eventually get the game by just walking into Target and buying a copy, but, unfortunately, my entire left arm was in too much pain to actually play the game with the my left hand. So, my main impression of GTA IV is that it’s really hard to play with only one hand.

First of all, there are too many buttons. It’s pretty much impossible to press all of the buttons and move both analogue sticks with a single hand. This made me realize that if I was having this much trouble with one hand, how would a casual gamer possibly grasp the complexities of getting in and out of a car to run over civilians?

So, while I played a game of Wii Tennis with my good arm, I thought really hard about how the joys of the murder simulator could be brought to a casual audience. The only idea that I could come up with was to get rid of the extraneous other activities in murder simulators and just get straight to the mass murder part. Maybe a conveyor belt with people coming directly at the player, with death triggered by wildly swinging the controller around. Casual gamers would love that. Plus, it’s very accessible! Hopefully, a major developer gets on this idea immediately. I’m willing to help. Clearly, I’m an expert on casual gamers, so if you can get me health insurance or some powerful painkillers, I’ll be there.