One size does not fit all.

Halo 3 hits stores today, so gaming sites all over the Internet have been publishing reviews as quickly as humanly possible. Apparently, some of them forgot to actually read what the hell they were unleashing onto the public.

Gamespot leads off with:

“Maybe now you can finally retire your Halo 2 disc and really move into the next generation of games.

Halo 3 is an interesting mix of established protocol and intriguing new stuff. For example, the gameplay doesn’t stray too far from Halo 2…”

I pretty much stopped reading the review at this point. What else do I need to know? I can finally put down Halo 2 and jump into the next generation, which, comfortingly enough, is pretty much like Halo 2.

I was feeling kind of lukewarm before, but now I’m thoroughly convinced that Halo 3 will be great. I just hope Master Chief doesn’t take off the helmet and end up being a chick.

IGN had some kind words for Halo 3’s new automatic video recording capabilities.

“It really is the very best thing about Halo 3.”

Finally. I’m glad someone said it. I’ve been waiting forever for a game where the best part was just watching, punctuated by the ability to rewind and view in slow motion. If one game could get rid of the stupid gameplay parts and just kept it to the watching parts, I wouldn’t need to play another videogame for the rest of my life. Come on, Microsoft! Listen to the fans!

Oh, never mind. I think Metal Gear Solid 4 is coming out in the not too distant future. Once it hits stores I’ll have to break out the popcorn and a sleeping bag. Now that’s what I call a game!

IGN was kind enough to provide a good situation where these recorded videos might be useful.

“Let’s say you pull off the particularly amazing feat of launching your mongoose off a man cannon”

Let’s say I didn’t. I prefer to keep my mongoose well clear of any man cannons. Frankly, I didn’t realize that Halo 3 was shaping up to be the most homoerotic major release since Gears of War.

I think the best way to end this is with the conclusion of the 1up review.

“(we didn’t even get to talk about the robust file sharing, where you can swap gameplay screenshots, edited game films, game setups, and maps). Or you can just look at it as a sum of so many quality parts, that value-wise, Halo 3 is as sure a thing as it gets.”

Like I need a review to tell me anything about several major features to know if they’re good or not. I’ll take your word, or lack of words, that the sum of the many quality parts, some of which you didn’t bother to describe, are worth my 60 dollars. Luckily, I can pretty much guess that all of those features are awesome from the 10 that you gave the game.

Thanks, reviewers. I really appreciate your haste in thoughtfully reviewing Halo 3, which everyone is going to buy anyway. It almost doesn’t make sense that Microsoft would bribe some reviewers with all this free crap. Maybe next time you review a game take off the Master Chief helmet. It may provide a little more airflow to the brain.