Since it’s Halloween it seems like the perfect time to give you readers a little treat: a special feature from the canceled Max Payne: Director’s Cut DVD. It supposedly contained three hours of additional cut-scenes, rendered in all of their overwrought captioned glory. Unfortunately, the DVD was never released due to a terrible accident suffered by the producers that miraculously cured their brain damage.

We were able to get our hands on the first draft of one of the cut-scenes, which was meant to be presented as part of the DVD.  Now you can see firsthand the difference between the original script and what appeared in the game. It looks like the final storyline ended up differing quite a bit from the first draft, the way Vin Diesel’s XXX differs from Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier; it’s hard to tell which sucks more.

We selected this page due to the mildly offensive Halloween related reference. If you’re clever, or at least not retarded, see if you can find it!

Ping. You're dead.

Panel 1
While backing into a broom closet, Max gives an oral presentation on being super serious to his latest pick up from “Assless Chaps,” a local country western themed gay bar. Suddenly, their romantic rendezvous is interrupted by gunfire.

RANDOM DUDE: OW! EASE UP, COUNT FAGULA! I’M GOING TO NEED THAT LATER.

MAX: SORRY, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS. GUNFIRE MAKES ME OVERZEALOUS.

Panel 2
It turns out to be a deadly female assassin wearing a miniskirt, perfect for killing and spending a night out on the town. “PING!” She’s dead and sort of smiling. Why is she smiling? Let’s just pretend it’s symbolism or something. Life is a joke and death is the punchline?

CAPTION (MAX): DAMN. SHE TOTALLY FELT THE PING! OF DEATH.

CAPTION (MAX): SHE WAS A NICE GIRL, EXCEPT WHEN SHE JUST TRIED TO RUIN MY LOVE LIFE BY SHOOTING ME IN THE HEAD. JEALOUS MUCH?

Panel 3
The mood is completely ruined, leaving Max angered and annoyed. He just sort of stands there, gun drawn, with a look that says he is serious about finding his assassins and simultaneously serious about dropping a deuce in his pants.

CAPTION (MAX): IS THIS A BAD TIME TO MENTION I HAVE HERPES?