Can you really look like this and rock hard? Answer: No.I was half kidding about yesterday’s post. Seriously. I just want to let Ubisoft and Free Radicals know that, because clearly it had an affect. Apparently, their response was to let the world know about their game’s tie-in single, “Haze” by Korn. Do they usually answer pointed commentary by viciously punishing the youth and people with ears?

If I knew then what I know now, I would have told the world that making players feel purposely guilty, just by completing their mission objectives, was the greatest idea in the history of mankind. I wouldn’t have believed it, but for the sake of the children I would have lied. But now, I just feel guilty. Mission accomplished Free Radicals, and I didn’t even have to play your stupid game.

I mean, Korn? Was that really necessary? It’s like they’ve called in a giant goddamn Gundam robot with an atomic, anatomically correct codpiece to penetrate our minds into submission. Let me be the first to say, I give. I’m waving the white flag. No more. I don’t know how they found out my aversion to forty-year-old men screaming about how no one hugged them as children, but they found it and capitalized. Check mate, you bastards.

Except… not really! If this was 1989 I’d be saying something like “sike” right about now. Did anyone really think that one crappy song would make me turn back and go home? No way, readers, but I’m sure I had them going there for a minute.

It’s nice to hand them what they think is a victory and then yank it back at the last second. If this was ancient Rome and Free Radicals was a lion, I just effectively pulled back my Christian. I’m sure they liked the smell and they were salivating a little bit, but Free Nadicals is going to have to try a lot harder than that if they want a taste. I’m pretty sure they won’t have much time to try harder, though, since they’re busy balancing the fun factor with the guilt factor in Haze. Hopefully, it’ll be balanced enough for the thirty guys who didn’t buy a PS3 just to play Blu-ray movies.

Is it too early to declare victory?

[Return fire via Joystiq]