Danger Dance

Mötley Crüe have released their latest single “Saints of Los Angeles” through Rock Band. It’s wonderful that this pioneering attempt to release a new single through a videogame will be from a band that hasn’t been relevant in at least 15 years. It’ll serve as a good barometer for the sale of future singles from other bands no one cares about. I can’t wait until Milli Vanilli release their latest single via Rock Band. At least that’s what I would be thinking if Milli or maybe Vanilli — whichever one killed himself — was still alive. God rest his all-lip-syncing, all-dancing soul.

[via 1up]

It’s been two months of quiet contemplation here at Danger Dance. It originally started off as just a week to reflect on our major accomplishments and contributions to society, but it quickly spiraled out of control into a full two month hiatus. It isn’t that we had accomplished that much in our careers as remorseless insulters of games and game developers. The real problem that confounded us for so long is mainly how no one had recognized any of our valuable contributions to society, like that time we said videogames suck. (That was going to be a link to a specific article, but it turns out the entire site is really one non-specific example.)

It was a dark time for all of us, but we are feeling a lot better now. I’d like to thank the death of Game for Windows: The Official Magazine for that. Their death led me question what was important in life and put me in a state of deep reflection. This was on top of all the thinking I had already been doing. It essentially left me in a catatonic state of pure contemplation, until David came by and smacked me in the head with a folding chair. Leave it to death — and being smacked in the head with a folding chair — to finally wake me up from a self-induced stupor and realize that there is no better time than now to be bitter, mean, and tasteless on the Internet. It’s practically the Golden Age of being a jackass. So, yeah, we are officially back.

The question still remains: how can we make a notable contribution to society, so that someday we can leverage that attention into making millions via the Internet? Some call it a far-fetched dream, I call it the lazy man’s American Dream. Would you deny someone the American Dream? Are you some kind of Commie pinko dog raper?

Well, after at least five good minutes of research, it seems that to be recognized we need to come up with the sort of earth shattering analysis that a site like IGN comes up with regularly, like for example “What’s Wrong With Dragon Ball Z“. Guess what? This is only part one! It never occurred to us, in our narrow thinking, that we could split an article about why something is terrible into separate parts. With that kind of outside the box thinking and these sorts of hard hitting articles it’s no wonder IGN is such a popular site. It’s really refreshing and brave to see a site take the time to produce an “academic” piece about how DBZ is a horrible abomination, that apparently ruined anime forever. Here I was thinking it was all of that tentacle rape.

At a recent press event, Brash Entertainment announced plans of releasing a game based on the ridiculously violent movie franchise, Saw, to be released sometime around October 9th, 2009. Many are speculating this gore-fest will serve up some of the same delights as Manhunt before it, specifically, boat-loads of super-violence.

This, of course, can be fun, but if it’s anything like the movies, it’s going to be a pure, unmitigated effort to gross you out with the most contemptible crap the world has ever seen. How many ways can we chop up a human head? What would be the worst thing we make the player do, whilst having to strum “We’ve only just begun” on the mandolin?

Theoretically, it could be presented well, but like most movies converted to video games, it’ll be a haphazard attempt to jam the player into various alternate plot lines from several movies and ultimately, will totally suck balls. Not unlike the movies.

Side note: Joystiq. Please refrain from inventing terms to describe this sort of stuff. Gornography (with the explanation gore-porn, or gorno, for short) is retarded and it already has a name, you morons. It’s called snuff. You’re not clever.

Today, as we celebrate the life of a man who had a dream, we should seriously reflect on if that dream included sitting around in your underpants and playing videogames all day, because if it did, then consider the dream fulfilled. I don’t want to take too much credit for single handedly fulfilling the prophetic dream of Martin Luther King. It was really a team effort between myself and the United States Government. They used their legislative power to give me the day off and I played videogames all day, possibly in my underpants. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

I just wanted to thank Martin Luther King for his sacrifice in pretty much the only way I know how: shooting imaginary people in the face. Some white people I know thought that it wasn’t an appropriate way to celebrate the life of MLK and was just me doing the same crap I do everyday. I think they were just upset because I drink at the same fountain as them. And just so you know, Whitey, I’m not going anywhere. In fact, whichever public bathroom stall you’re about to use, I just used it. Enjoy.

From the makers of Prince of Persia, which I really liked, comes Assassin’s Creed, an “epic” action/adventure game, which I really didn’t.
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