Danger Dance

For each assassination, one must gather intel on the target by interrogating zealots, getting details from informants, eavesdropping on vital conversations, and pickpocketing maps or other vital pieces of data. Further, one can sure up an easier escape (sort of), or an easier infiltration (kind of) by helping citizens who are being hassled by The Man. In return, they’ll set up vigilantes to grab pursuing guards, or scholars, who serve as moving cover to help you sneak past guard posts. Although, what kind of scholar carries a long sword, a short sword and a belt full of throwing knifes? One who studies tromping ass, we can only assume.

As one completes these (mostly optional) objectives, the crowd interacts, sometimes with completely infuriating results. The most completely annoying aspect of moving through crowds are the beggar women. “You don’t understand! I’m poor! I’m hungry! I’ve herpes! These crabs itch!” We all understand. We don’t care. Really. You are the most annoying character in videogame history outside of Baby Mario in Yoshi’s Island. It’s obvious you’ll be killed more times than any villain in the entire game.

Just like the ones in Assassin’s Creed, only much less annoying because they actually target other people!

If it could get any worse, it does! As the game progresses, it seems that Ubisoft decided to introduce more and more annoyances for the player to encounter. Worst of all are the lepers, drunks, and crazies. For some reason, these bastards are drawn to you like schizophrenics to tin-foil hats, only instead of wearing you to block the voices, they aggressively shove you, even when you’re making a focused effort to avoid them. One particularly horrifying bit takes place on the docks, which happen to be surrounded by water, and completely covered with these shovey sons of bitches. If it wasn’t already hard enough keeping Altair’s bouncy ass out of the water, now the player has the joy of attempting to skirt around a bunch of pushy crazies! Awesome!

After enduring the rigors of Hobo-bitch The Annoying, and Drunken-prick the Pushtificent, one regroups at the Assassin’s Bureau (who knew?) by talking to some operative who yammers about some stuff while allowing the player an opportunity to listlessly wander around inside. If you’re looking for some heart-pounding conversation and poor camera angles, you’ve come to the right place. And so, after using Altair’s need to rest as a convenient excuse to save the game, it’s time to assassinate some asses.

The assassination portion of the game should involve sneaking up on some ne’er do well, and shanking them in the neck, but there’s really never any sneaking involved. No matter what a player could chance to try, there’s always some guard, or random person, or bird, or traitorous dust mite, who immediately throws every guard into high-alert, DEFcon 5, kill assassin mode. It’s really quite obnoxious. Further, this occurs after Altair’s spent roughly five of the most incredibly dull videogaming minutes listening to how “righteous” all these dickwads are. Fortunately, these ridiculous interludes provide a great opportunity to take a bathroom break.