Danger Dance

If the thought ever crosses your mind that a game might not be that great now but it could get better as it goes along, feel free to punch yourself and any loved ones that agree squarely in the face. Don’t worry. You have our permission. Why are we warning you about this kind of destructive thought pattern? Because it leads to terrifyingly long reviews.

Kane and Lynch is a third-person action game based around the simple concept that making a good game is probably too much work. I didn’t read that on the box or see it in a commercial, but it’s pretty easy to figure that out from playing the game. Don’t take this as an indication that you shouldn’t buy Kane and Lynch. By all means, buy a copy. If you enjoy games that are not that good this is probably a great purchase.

You play as Kane, a death row inmate, who is rescued from his execution by the7, a group Kane once belonged to before he allegedly betrayed them. Kane has three weeks to return something valuable he stole from them or else they’ll kill his wife and daughter. Lynch is a fellow death row inmate who has made a deal with the7 to watch Kane’s every move and report his progress. I’ve read some reviews that claim that the high point of Kane and Lynch is the story, however I would say that if you can easily replace the main character with Steven Seagal and no one would think twice, your story is not good. In fact, it is crap.

The story does get a bit more complicated than the initial retrieve-something-for-shady-men-in -suits-or-they-will-kill-your-family bit. It actually leads directly into an intricate web of other well-trodden movie clichés. After a supposedly important character gets killed, the game suddenly becomes a revenge epic, then later shifts into a rescue-the-kidnapped-daughter movie. This wouldn’t necessarily be bad if there was some sort of creative twist, but the big twist Denmark’s IO Interactive decided to go with was making everyone in the game a giant asshole.

All of the writers probably sat in the room after a crappy action movie marathon on FX and had a conversation like this:

Jens Peter Kurup (GAME DIRECTOR): I like how Steven Seagal threw that criminal right through the window of [Danish equivalent of 7-11].

Martin Madsen (LEAD ANIMATOR): Yeah! It’s so funny how the Indian guy behind the counter started yelling at him in a hilarious accent!

Jens Peter Kurup (GAME DIRECTOR): The only way this would be better is instead of the Indian guy yelling at Steven Seagal, Steven Seagal called him a faggot then pissed on him.