Danger Dance

I’m sure at least one person out there somewhere is saying, “Well, it’s like an action movie, right? The story doesn’t have to be great, but at least the action is good, right?” To which I’ll reply, “Did you not read the first paragraph where I told you this game is not very good, Jens Peter Kurup?”

You may have noticed when we were talking about the game’s story there was barely any mention of Lynch. That’s basically how it is in the game too. Kane’s “medicated psychopath” shtick, mentioned heavily in advertisements on TV and on, alleged terrorist online dating hub, GameSpot, is barely mentioned after the first third of the game. Once his condition couldn’t serve as a completely convenient plot device to make Kane’s life more difficult, Lynch was relegated to being another jackass in a crowd of jackasses. Taking a cue from IO Interactive, we promise not to make another meaningful mention of Lynch from here on out. Also, a bad-ass with a receding hairline? There’s only one Steven Seagal, ass clowns.

On the positive side, Kane and Lynch offers many varied locales. You’ll go from the streets of Tokyo to the jungles of Cuba. In this regard, the influence of movies was actually welcomed, since there’s something new to look at in every chapter. The graphics aren’t great, but at least it’s something. (I’m required to say at least one positive thing about the game so that Jens Peter Kurup doesn’t show up to my house and kill me.)

Problematically, the variety of locales doesn’t really change much in how you approach the game. A lot of that has to do with the basic broken mechanisms of the game, like the cover system. I’m resisting the urge to put the word “system” in quotes in that last sentence, sort of like how I just did, or sarcastically replacing system with pisstem, to express my displeasure. Instead of pressing a button to take cover, you just run up to a wall, pray really hard, and occasionally, based on some sort of complex algorithm that rolls a 36-sided die, your character takes cover. Usually, you just end up running into walls and getting shot a lot. What probably would have been useful, besides just stealing the cover system from a game that does it well, would have been for IO Interactive to actually try playing the game before releasing it.

Another vital aspect of the game that doesn’t work very well is the squad-based combat. During the entire game you have basic squad controls over Lynch and other various criminals. Unfortunately, your teammates are generally morons. They’ll often get in the way of you firing your gun. If you happen to send them out to actually do anything there’s a good chance they’ll die. Their aim is so bad that, even with a squad of four, you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up killing most of the enemies yourself. They definitely fire their guns a lot, but it’s unknown what the hell they’re trying to hit. Maybe, in a bout of self-awareness, they’re making a futile attempt to destroy whomever made them so terrible, their creator: the developers at IO Interactive.